Unintentionally, I keep writing 2019 whenever I have to sign and date any paperwork, including when I make journal entries. I think its my subconscious mind wanting 2018 to be over with already. I have come to hate this year with a passion!
This year has been literally hell from the first day, but I’m finally okay with talking about it now. It’s time. I suppose the “Spark” needs to be fanned brighter now and I’ll tell you why.
Life is a Bully
I feel like my very soul has been ripped out, thrown on the ground, stomped on by the bully called Life, and then tossed back at me as Life laughs and taunts me with, “Now what are you going to do about that?”
It started in November of 2017 when I received notice that due to the illegal actions of an ex-husband’s accountant we owed $7,000.
A few weeks later my current husband of less than a year asked for an annulment of our marriage.
Then a week after that, I got notification of a lawsuit against me for $7,000 for damages to property I leased 3 years ago thanks to an abusive ex-boyfriend.
Unbelievably, a week after that I was laid off from my dream job, but in order to get my severance pay, I had to sign an agreement with the company that I wouldn’t sue them for age-discrimination (apparently, age-discrimination is a common occurrence in the Tech industry as I’ve come to find out).
And then, not surprisingly, my health failed me and I ended up in the ER.
By the end of January, I was bedridden with a severe illness and deeply depressed.
It Just Got Worse…
By April, I was able to get out of bed for short time periods, but by then my son dropped out of school; My car broke down and repair costs exceeded the value of the car; A friend who had helped me through my first divorce passed away; A month later, the husband of another friend (who had generously fixed my car soon after my second divorce) was killed in an accident. The people who I thought were my friends, quietly slipped away and abandoned me. Even family members who were aware of what I was going through – turned a cold shoulder and offered nothing in way of comfort or solace. I felt utterly alone.
All during this time, I was trying to find a new job and despite my best efforts and hundreds of job applications and a few job interviews – I couldn’t land job to save my life. Being a single mom in her forties trying to get a job in the Tech Industry was proving to be impossible.
Each day became a huge struggle to even get out of bed. I gained weight and went deeper into depression. When I wasn’t depressed, my anxieties were through the roof! My health problems were not just physical, but mental and spiritual as well.
Physically, the illness wiped me out and I suffered from its symptoms such as depression, anxiety, hair loss, fatigue, yellowing of the skin, heart palpitations, and more.
Mentally, the strain of two lawsuits, the loss of my job, and the loss of a man I loved sent me spiraling out of emotional control with a broken heart, fear, anxiety, and more depression.
Spiritually, I felt like God had abandoned me.
Anger Makes for an Unpleasant Roommate
I spent many a long day in bed staring up at the ceiling feeling angry, useless, hopeless, unattractive, unlovable. Grief was my constant companion with all of its many faces – including anger. I had a lot of angry thoughts. Anger towards my husband for abandoning me, anger at my exes for their dishonesty, anger at myself for being so stupid, anger at my former shallow-minded manager 15 years my junior.
I wasn’t angry at God though. To be honest, I felt like I had let God down and I was ashamed of myself for making poor choices that had led to the disasters I was now facing. I felt like God was ashamed and disappointed in me and had backed off to let me figure this out on my own. I panicked and felt incapable of solving any of these problems I was hit with. So, I did the only thing I knew how – I shut down. But that doesn’t fix anything, and deep inside I knew this. And I knew God knew that I knew this.
It has taken many long months of hard physical, mental, and spiritual work to even get to the point where I feel capable enough to start resolving each problem. Most days I don’t feel like I can do it anymore…it would just be easier to curl up and wither away into oblivion than face another disappointing day.
It seems like anytime I try something to improve my situation, I get smacked down. After a while, a person just doesn’t want to try anymore. Everyday feels like I’m walking/thinking/feeling through mud with little progress to show for my efforts. I’m so frustrated!
The God Spark
But oddly enough, when I experience a setback, someone comes along and says just the right thing, or does something nice for me unexpectedly, or gives me a gift of some sort. These things that happen out-of-the-blue gives me the fire to keep going and lets me know God is still with me. I feel it!
One thing I know for sure, after going through all these difficulties, is that health of the body is linked to the health of the mind and the health of both the body and the mind is linked to the health of the Spirit.
Despite the trials I am facing, despite crying through the writing of this post and dreading to post it, I will testify to my grave, that the only thing getting me up everyday and out the door to keep trying, is the little spark God put in me and everyone else on this planet – a piece of Himself that connects us all.
Through inspiring others, God has let me know that I’m not alone. There’s no other explanation for the synchronicities I have experienced this past year.
God hasn’t abandoned me at all. He is always with me even when my mind and body is full of the mud of life that covers the light God has given me.
So, I’ve come to realize now that it’s my job to uncover that God Spark and get it burning fierce and bright again for the benefit of not only myself, but for others; because someone out there is suffering worse than me, and if I don’t fire up the God Spark and send it outward to help brighten other’s light – creating that ripple effect throughout my small circle of friends and family – I have failed in helping all of humanity.
It has to start somewhere, right?
May God be with you and me, my friends.
Share the Spark.